No intense intents, please

Things I learned the hard way for the next generation -

2010-06-21T13:51:00.001-04:00

Save, Save Save! Pennies, nickels, dimes. Hold on to a rainy day fund. Don’t rely on someone else to bail you out (credit cards, mom/dad, husband, etc) don't get over your head in debt, or it will rule virtually every other decision you make in life.

Pray. No matter what you are facing, there is always someone that will listen. Someone who loves you unconditionally. Never forget that. Give Him all of your troubles. Give Him all of your heartache. Give Him all of your worries. He is stronger than you can imagine.
I was very lost for a long time – but once I turned my face to heaven and asked for help, I felt restored. God has seen me through tremendous challenges.

Forgive everyone for everything. Leave the past in the past.

Spend plenty of time with little people (children under the age of five). They will keep you grounded.

Don’t compare your life to other people. Don’t get wrapped up in ENVY and chasing the almighty dollar. Your life experiences, your connections with people, MATTER. I watched everything I owned go up in smoke during a terrible house fire, and all that mattered was that my family was safe and well. I couldn’t even remember what was burning.

Travel every opportunity you get. Don’t put it off for tomorrow. Don’t put it off until you can do it more luxuriously. Go when you are given the opportunity. The experience is worth the inconvenience of a crowded plane ride or a long bus ride or the heat or the cold or the bad food. See the sights, meet the people, and learn the history. Try something new while you are there. Don’t spend the whole time in front of the hotel TV ordering room service.

Take lots of pictures. And make copies. And share them with your family. Make sure that you are in the pictures. Your family loves to see you having fun.

Don’t hold back, HUG PEOPLE. REALLY!!!! HUG THEM! They need it. Just look around. People walk around miserable most of the time. Give them a little reassuring hug once in a while. It’s a wonder drug.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. There will be many things in your life that you have little or no control over. Learn to be flexible and to approach them with a sense of humor and humility – “this too shall pass” in other words. Remember what matters when things don’t seem to be going your way. You have people who care about you. People that you care about. People that probably depend on you. The world is a better place because you are in it. And God Loves you no matter what is going on in your life.
So just take a deep breath and if all else fails remember that baffling trick your pet sometimes does – spinning in place three times before sitting down. (I think it clears their head!) :)

You're never too old to learn something new. Don’t be afraid you’ll fail or look foolish. If it looks fun or interesting or you really always wanted to do it… well then do it! Find someone who can show how. Save up if you need to. But DO IT. You may not be the best at whatever it is, but you can give it your best. And it’s the experience of trying that matters. Trust me!

Okay, so there's this birthday...

2010-06-12T00:03:00.000-04:00

Over the past few years, I must admit that birthdays had become a time when I became somewhat of a dour, reclusive creature. Suddenly unavailable for social gatherings, I would skulk through my day avoiding eye contact with co-workers, leaving phone calls and email unanswered, waiting urgently to take those critical days off (that I made sure I saved) that wrapped securely around "THE BIRTHDAY." It really became a system. I even managed to avoid getting a dreaded "40" wake thrown for me at work.

Who needs the fuss! Kids stuff, right? After all, we get older every day. And if someone wants to buy a gift for someone, they don't need to wait for a special occasion. My list of justifications could go on and on...

But last year, I worried and prayed for my grandfather as he struggled with major health issues for the first time in his life, and then rejoiced as he overcame his health crisis and was able to enjoy his 89th birthday.

And it suddenly became absolutely clear to me what all the fuss is about. Birthdays are a special opportunity for the people in your life to take time to think about you - who you are to them - how you are special to them - what you may be going through in your life right now - what joys you may be celebrating at this point in your life. It is also a time for those people to let you know that they are happy that you are in their life. That is the true celebration. And that makes me truly joyful for everyone's birthday.

So this birthday week has been different: I went to work all week. I answered my phone and my email. Enjoyed a wonderful lunch with my co-workers and then a dinner with my family. I'm even taking time off next week for a special birthday family outing. Guess I had some celebrating to catch up on. :)

I spy ... with my one good eye

2010-03-29T13:01:00.004-04:00

It's time for my semi-annual neurologist trip tomorrow. And in spite of my best efforts to completely dash it out of my mind, here it it sits prominently at the front. Commanding my attention and trepidation. Not because he's going to look at me and suddenly see some horrible new symptom in need of treatment. No, it's really more because it makes the steady march into disability impossible for me to ignore. He'll test my vision - poor, my walk - limping, my reflexes - slow, my memory - sluggish.

No faking it here boys and girls... the MS is clearly in control.

But there is something victorious about coming out of that hospital each time. They didn't keep me...I'm still healthy enough to leave on my own two feet, even if some days are harder than others. I know that it sounds corny and it's completely psychological - but it's empowering and I use it to pick up my spirits and restore confidence.

So I'll bide my time until tomorrow. And I will try to remember how much better I will feel when I'm done.

God takes the blindfold off...and it sure is blurry out here!

2010-01-14T12:31:00.000-05:00

For years, I have prided myself in taking this whole MS thing in stride. After all, I am still working full-time, getting two teenagers off to school each morning, cooking, cleaning, laundering, decorating (Christmas), planning birthdays, picking up and dropping off from art and dance lessons, and on and on... you know the drill.

I would love to tell you that it was strictly my intestinal fortitude that I relied on to get through these long days. In truth, I have come to rely heavily on a delicate balance of medications that help keep the disease symptoms in check.

I was painfully reminded of this fact when my company determined it was in their interest to change insurance providers for the first time since I started working there. I have only been diagnosed for 4 1/2 years, and I've been using this "magic cocktail" of meds pretty much since day one. So this change was going to rock my world.

New Insurance Company B decided that they would deny everything that Old Insurance Company A had approved. Suddenly, I am without all of my medications while my doctor petitions their approval. These medications would cost me several thousand dollars a month, so paying cash isn't even a possibility.

While I wait and pray for a quick resolution to this issue, I face a new kind of day - a day where mind-numbing fatigue greets me in the mirror as I brush my teeth, neuritis clouds my vision as I struggle to gather my thoughts at work, and weakness overtakes me as I drive home, making it hard to stay awake and alert.

"Sleep" it seems to whisper. "Stop, slow down. You know you can't do it."
"It" being whatever task I am working on. "You're sick. It doesn't matter anyway."

I am in awe of the power of this fatigue. I am amazed that this was here all along behind the chemistry of a few pills.

So it's time to stop patting myself on the back and start getting real about this disease. I need more sleep, a healthier diet, and some balance in my schedule.

God willing, the pills will ultimately get approved, or they may have to be changed in order to satisfy some desk jockey trying to save the company money. I have a great doctor and he will work on what's best for me.

Sometimes God shakes up our lives and causes a little chaos when we aren't being attentive...

Lord, message received. :)

Make Me Laugh

2009-11-04T14:31:00.002-05:00

Things have been pretty intense this fall - what with a 500 year flood and a ferocious flu season. So I think it's time to get back to the blog and lighten things up...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

There are three stages of a man's life: When he believes in Santa Claus, when he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, and when he is Santa Claus.

Unknown

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Unknown

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill

The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive.

Robert Heinlein

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Poul Anderson

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

Ogden Nash

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

Unknown

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

Dan Quayle

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

Dave Barry

In a heartbeat

2009-04-28T12:29:00.000-04:00

About two years ago, I was struggling in my life, feeling overwhelmed and tired. How would I pay all these bills? How could I get my daughter to dance practice on time and still get things finished at work? Where would I find the energy to cook supper tonight when I was already exhausted? You see, I was only focused on the negative. It had become so easy to do this; it was as if self-pity had become my drug of choice.

Then I ran across this short blog when I was helping my daughter do her research on the internet. It's very short, and there wasn't much background information about the person who wrote it. It simply stated that it was from a sixteen-year-old named Tatum, who was dying of cancer. Tatum reminded me not to take my life for granted:
Some of the things I’m going to miss when I’m gone:
My family.
My dog’s kisses.
The swing on the tree in the garden.
The smell of my mom’s peach pie.
The first fire my dad makes every winter.
The feel of my grandpa’s sweaters.
They are always so soft.

Dominoes Pizza.
The Dominoes Pizza delivery guy. (Who is also my best friend Wes.)
Hot chocolate on a cold night.

Opening presents on Christmas morning.
The smell of bacon.
Laughing so hard my cheeks hurt.
Lying in the field behind our house and listening to the beat of my heart.

Thank you Tatum!
May we all cherish the times we can laugh til our cheeks hurt.
I will hold your sweetness in my heart. Always.

On Brevity - No Really

2009-04-27T13:10:00.000-04:00

Now that I have MS, one of my major issues is that when I am talking to someone (or listening to someone speak or watching something on TV or reading something) if they don't get right to the point of their story, lesson, question, demonstration, etc. I will mentally take them to the finish line.

I make an educated guess at what they are talking about and what response they need or want from me, mentally tuck it away (if it is a work related or complex issue I jot it down on paper) and then my mind just sort of "leaves the building." I'm thinking about other things.

Is this fatigue? Cognitive dysfunction? Straight on brain damage? A little bit of all three? I don't know. What I do know it that this is really becoming a serious social issue for me in certain circumstances. It's hard not to look disinterested and therefore rude when you are not giving someone 100% of your attention. And not everyone I interact with knows that I have a chronic illness. I certainly don't advertise it. And as you can imagine that I don't want to make them think they have to try harder to capture my attention, or speak to me any differently.

So I have to pray for the occasional blessedly terse, strightforward speaker. Otherwise, I try to silently change the channel without offending. Maybe this is what happens with Alzheimer's. A person gets to the point where they change the channel, then they forget how to switch it back to where they started. So they kind of get lost in the static in between.

2009-03-26T12:18:00.001-04:00

Inspiration! 17 months ago

I found this anonymous prayer and I want to share it. I think it will help me when I struggle with how to address asking God to help those around me:
“God of mercy, when I’m sick I often find it hard to pray. So I offer this moment of prayer when I’m well for all those who may now be too weak, too tired or too depressed to pray and to believe at this time in your goodness and mercy. May this be a healing moment for them, as it was for the woman in the Gospel who touched the hem of your garment. Amen.”

2009-03-26T12:14:00.000-04:00

Praying with tears in my eyes 18 months ago

I have been very diligent in my efforts to pray each day. I have even done some work in reading the Bible before I pray to clear my mind of the clutters that usually find their way into my conversations with God. But there are people close to me who are hurting – my husband who deals with chronic pain every day – my mother, who is watching her sister slowly die from cancer – my father, who just lost his younger sister to illness. They are all angry at God. Can my prayers bring them peace when they have turned their faces away from Him?

Stress and Taxes

2009-03-19T10:40:00.000-04:00

I've put it off about as long as I can. It's time to break out the receipts, the tax software and lots of coffee. It's time to pay Obama - er, I mean the taxes...

I know, I know, we have lots of folks to bail out - There's the banks, and the car companies, and the banks, and those bad mortgages, and the banks, and the failing state governments and oh did I mention the banks?

And it's my patriotic duty and what-not. But come on...

You know I'm just gonna write that check and then Obama's gonna take 90% of it and send it to China with the IOU he must surely send them on a weekly basis, and then he'll keep 5% of it for the next White House party (cause he's gotta take care of his girls!) and then he'll take the other 5% and put a bow on it and stick it back into the mailbox and say "here, look what I got you!"

I never was much of a fan of re-gifting.

Baby Steps

2008-11-18T11:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, you just have to stop making excuses.

Today I am creating a place other than the journal or the diary to start expressing all of the various randomness that crowds my brain all day long.

Was it the political campaign this year that really pushed me over the edge? Or raising two teenagers? Or dealing with my own chronic illness? Maybe it's the failing economy... maybe it's the beginning of the middle age crazies...

Or facing the undeniable truth that the world is going to be changing in radical ways in the next couple of years.

Whatever it is - the deep restlessness in my soul can't be denied any longer. I need to express myself. I need to find art and music and write poetry and rant and tell stories and experience things... NOW... while I am still healthy enough to be fully engaged. NOW...Now is the time.